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April 22nd, 2013

06:22 am
I wonder if there are any programs out there that will not let me access the internet until a certain number of words have been written?

I passed both my courses for winter semester. Not sure I really earned the English one since I actually got worse at the written-assignment thing than the last time I attempted this course, but at least I'm breaking the pattern of only getting A's or F's. I'm actually kind of proud of managing a C in ecology, even though that was very much a result of me half-assing it and not having my head in the right place; it was also a result of me not dropping out when it wasn't going well.

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April 19th, 2013

06:01 am
Whelp, time to babble. Looks like randomness tonight.

My poor head has had a mashup of Popeye the Sailor Man and Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee running through it today.

I want a bike. I am terrified of driving on roads, but you can go a very long way on trails around here. I have no money to spend on a bike, especially since there is a very real chance I will ride it once and then turn it into clutter, so I have been combing kijiji. I'm picky about seat height, though. I hate feeling like I'm leaning down onto the handlebars. I'm not racing anyone, so why can't I just sit up straight? My parents just bought themselves a pair of brand new cruisers, fancy helmets to fit the full range of freakish Baur head sizes, and a rack for their truck. My parents are cute. I think I might need to make Mom a little basket for the front of hers.

I've been getting into the garden now that exams are over, and overcame inertia enough to put up an ad on kijiji looking for others to swap perennials with. I have a woman coming tomorrow to leave some irises in exchange for the baby foxgloves I am digging up. I grew a metric fucktonne of spider plant babies from an half-dead houseplant and propagated my parrot plant just to see if I could. No idea what I thought I needed all these plants for, so I put them on kijiji as well for $2 apiece and got takers. It's barely enough money to bother, but it's strangely satisfying to make something from nothing that way. More importantly, though: whee, look at me interacting with strangers!

Sean hates, hates, hates that I've done either of the above. We have issues with hoarding (me in that I have a tendency to do it and Sean in that he has ragey-aversion-type reactions to it). It hurts his soul when I find a reason not to throw anything out or use kijiji for anything. I finally acquiesced to throwing out any unused seeds after planting the garden this year because he whined and begged and asked nicely and my reluctance seemed to be causing him actual physical pain. I do not believe there is a downside to tossing old seed in the ground to see if it germinates instead of buying all new seed every year, and it hurts MY soul to waste something as magical as free seed, but I do love him and I am pretty hard to live with, so I guess I can give him this one. I am still going to point out the lack of reason to it, though.

Hey, look at that: the sky is getting light. Next resolution should probably be to get my sleeping back on track.

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April 18th, 2013

02:37 am
Got some gardening done today, finally. We will have tomatoes in every colour of the rainbow except blue. I knew I should have bought the blue tomato seeds when I saw them.

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April 17th, 2013

02:56 am
The internet has regurgitated my eaten(half-written)post.
One of the links which inspired it: http://ifbyyes.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/lets-all-speak-out-for-someone-who-is-still-alive/

Far too much thinking about rape this week.
There is so much to be said and so little of it new. I am done trying to find the words for tonight.
I do wonder all the time how I got to be so stupidly lucky in my life. I have been surrounded by so many good people, it's hard to understand how there can be so many people out there who still believe such shitty things. It's not so much that there are predators out there that I have trouble incorporating into my world view; it's how much of the "normal people" portion of society is still on the wrong side of things like whether or not it's possible to rape an unconscious person, or subtler things like how much "fault" lies with the victim for daring to live their lives.

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12:48 am
Gar. Computer ate my last entry when my battery died before posting.
Then last night I was going to write about cooking, but bombings kind of make what I had for dinner seem a little trivial, and I have nothing insightful to add on that topic.
I have been spending too much time on facebook, and have at least been commenting elsewhere online instead of composing comments and deleting them.
So, here's a note to say exams are over and went fairly well, I have a Joy staying here tonight, I'm still poking away at this journal thing, and life is generally good here.

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April 12th, 2013

03:51 pm
Praise Jeebus, it's done! Here's hoping I don't get contacted about any revisions.

I think part of the reason I am so very bad at getting shit done is that the habit is so incredibly self-reinforcing. Aside from the fact that avoiding things is its own immediate reward (because our lizard brains don't think in the long term), finishing them doesn't always feel like one. In fact, it can sometimes feel like a punishment because admitting it's over intensifies all the perfectionist shit about worrying it's not good enough and facing up to the fact that there are no more ways to make up for shit that went wrong. It would be nice if I got some kind of rush of relief of this being overwith, but mostly I just still feel tired and vaguely crummy, and I will continue to feel like shit every time I think about this project until the end of time. I sure used "shit" a lot in this post. I'm having PCOS period-weirdness going to blame some of this on being hormonal, in the hopes that I become less cranky when hormones even out (pretending that that ever happens).

Elli and Sean are taking me out for ice cream. It's no internal satisfaction and self-esteem, but it will have to do. Ray of sunshine, me! Seriously grateful for the people I have in my life, though.

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01:59 am
Am still attempting to make writing here a habit, but all my stressing is currently still invested in the group project that will not die. I really, really hope that tonight is the last night.
Current Mood: annoyed

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April 8th, 2013

06:33 pm
Goddamnit. The missing data WAS my fault. Upside: only the bit we accidentally destroyed together is missing now and that was only one replicate, so just proceeding with what we have is far more feasible. All the angst over academic integrity wasted. Downside: oh, how very many ways do I suck. I was even kind of bitchy about it when they suggested that we all double check because I was annoyed that they took more than 2 weeks after the experiment to send me their data when I had sent them mine on the day it was collected. I made sure to send it immediately because I was was scared of losing it and screwing us all over. That was a good move, since the hardcopy was in fact lost at the point when it was requested that I double check. I just found it. It was me. I have screwed this one up royally.
I at least used to be pretty good at only shooting myself in the foot. I would go to great lengths to keep others out of the range of fire and somehow things that seemed impossible to do for myself would get done for them. Whelp, guess I can't claim that anymore.

Because my part is the introduction and some of the results, basically everything in the report needs to be adjusted to match. If it was less late bowing out, taking the zero and apologizing profusely for the extra work they would have to do to write a report on their own might have been the most appropriate option. Our final exam is tomorrow. Clearly, I will not be asking them to put any further thought into this. So I guess I rewrite it all and send them a copy to review before handing it in tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will think about what this means for my enrollment in spring session classes.

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April 7th, 2013

04:58 am
Another day down, another teeny, tiny parargraph done on my lab report. Each and every sentence involved a gruelling effort...from Sean. They are his words, not mine. I certainly did not set out to have him do my homework for me, and he would never, ever agree to it either. But the end result is pretty much the same, since I needed hand holding, coaxing, scolding, threatening, cajoling, assurance and prodding for every damned word, plus some flat out instructions in a couple of places. He actually slapped my hand at one point for using the backspace key. I can't believe either of us has stuck with it this long. I wish I felt relieved that the writing part of my section is done, but it doesn't feel done at all. It feels like a mess. We didn't know what we were doing when we started the experiment, and so our hypotheses didn't make a lot of sense and I'm trying to cite material that makes that pretty clear. The subject is one of those ones where the lies-to-children version is so damned simple and obvious that it's hard to wrap your mind around why this is even a thing that people talk about, let alone do papers on...and then you read a little more and everything you ever knew was wrong and it turns out no one understands it and none of the things you've been taught are true/ In fact, in many cases, the exact OPPOSITE of the lies-to-children seems to be best supported by available evidence. Except the evidence is pretty meaningless, because no one can even agree on if this is a thing, how important it is, how to go about obtaining relevant data, if there is even the slightest chance of reliable extrapolation to real-world situations, the semantics of it all, or how not to fuck it up at the statistical analysis stage even if you've covered all the rest. Okay, Sean may have had a point: I may have spent a LITTLE too long poring over abstracts today.

In other news, we had a bald eagle in our yard today. That made me happy for a few minutes. We also have decent water pressure again since the plumber came. That should continue to make me happy whenever I turn on the water for a little while yet. Soon exams will be over and probably I will be less cranky when I someday don't have a cold again. There is hope.

It's kind of confusing being badgered so much about this by Sean. It's caused a lot of mini-fights, and it makes me feel like a petulant child and I'm sure that dynamic can't be good for a relationship, but it's kind of amazing to me that he hasn't given up. I keep trying to give up on myself, and waiting for him to too. He also amazes me in his ability to let go of the angry-face during the down time. It's a little good cop / bad cop and kind of weird me out a little, but I think I'd be getting vicious and bitter by now if the roles were reversed, so I am impressed by this kind of patience. I only have the teeth-gritting kind myself.

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April 5th, 2013

02:28 pm
Forgot, then procrastinated, then posted this because I am procrastinating on writing an actual assignment. Ugh. I'd better get something done before Sean gets up, or he'll be back to coaching me one word at a time. He keeps reminding me that a lab report is not a thesis, but it would help if I could figure out how to make the experiment not feel pointless - how do I write about the significance and importance of showing how planting density affects plant growth while citing multiple papers that tell exactly what we expect this experiment to show because it has already been demonstrated many, many times? What is the point of this research other than practice? Add that to an ethical dilemma of partners who I've already let down by my general lateness wanting to falsify missing data - do I refuse and screw them over anew despite the facts that no one would know, that we actually did do the experiment and acquire the data before it was lost (one part lost due to miscommunication when we were all present and involved, the rest not my doing), and that it would make practice in report writing kind of futile as our report would pretty much just be "impossible to draw meaningful conclusions due to missing data"? Or do I acquiesce and break my own moral code in addition to violating the university's academic integrety policy? I despise conflict.

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